Sooo, buncha barneys (mostly bros) head out into the woods of Maryland and Virginia for a massive, collective Make Believe, combat-style Ren Faire sesh and hammer away on each other with foam battle-axes n'shit. But it's, like, they make these mother-huge fuckin' shields and it's like you're trying to stab some dude standing behind a refrigerator. Lame. Zone. They're all like, "Waa, I got to work at Circuit City", "Waa, there's no honor in the world any more", "Waa, I was born in the wrong time", "Waa, I have no power in my real life", "Waa, I can't talk to girls", "Waa, I only have relationships sessual in nature when I'm in character in Darkon", "Waa, everyone in my high school said I made a hit-list", "Waa, sometimes when I'm working at Starbucks and the customers are griping about how long their non-fat-half-caff-double-shot latte is taking I just think about Darkon and campouts and putting on my armor and imagining the Starbucks customers in armor and hacking off their limbs with my Black Great Sword." It's like that. It's like the movie says Darkon is a place where people go to find their inner strength because they can't tap it in the 'real' world. But it's not at all. Darkon is where dudes go to try to be sessier in their own minds and mabes hook up with some Medieval Times broad who used to be a stripper. And Dan was all "This makes me want to be a bully." And I was all, "Hell yeah," but I didn't even look at Dan when I was saying 'hell yeah', I was thinking, pensively thinking, thinking what if there was some semi-b'tizz bird I met and she had like, this wild imagination and kind of cool style (like hippy but hotter, like she wore scarves n'shit with patterns on them) and we went out on a couple dates and she was like "What kind of books do you read?" and I was all "Epic fantasy, what else?" or "Epic fantasy and epic sci-fi fantasy, what else?" and she was all "I love Song of Ice and Fire" and then that would put me over the edge I think, but then, like on the third date she was all "I'm going to this thing this weekend, I can't hang out" and I would be like "What thing is that?" and she would be like "It's this thing that I do on the weekends sometimes ... ", "So ... tell me ... C'mon, it's whatevs", "uhh, it's called Darkon" ... ... "Darkon? I saw that documentary about that shit. Looks cool to me! So, tell me about your character. Want to go back to your apartment and you can show me your outfits?" (Cause you know, she's still semi-b'tizz and I'm trying to get there) and she would be all surprised and super worked up then and like "Oh my god! I thought you'd judge me and not be attracted to me any more" and I'd be all "What? I read comic books, I'm not in a posish to judge, sugar" and she'd be like "I have a great idea you can come along this weekend! If you want to that is ..." and I'd want to, more or less, I'd be curious about the whole deal, and so we'd get in her Toyota and drive down for like 5 hours to Maryland pretending that the car was maybe, like, a vehicle to an alternate reality, Darkon, and I guess I'd have gotten a costume together like a barbarian soldier of fortune with an axe, but not like He-Man gay style barbarian style, but more realistic like Qhorin Halfhand of the Nights Watch in SoIaF, and I'd be thinking "Man, I'm gonna be the coolest, most bad-assed guy at this shit" to myself and we'd show up and unpack the gear and the semi-b'tizz bird would get her gypsy princess gear together and we'd put up the tent and I'd be thinking "Aw yeah, word! We gonna sleep in this tent tonight!" but then we'd be hanging with some other dudes around a fire and they'd all be dressed like knights and would be hitting on the semi-b'tizz bird I was there with(!) in that real lame-zone nerd way where they're acting all stupid and shit trying to get her attention and it's all working and shit and I'm like, to myself, like, "What. The. Fuck. Is going on here!?" and then I'm like "Hey, semi-b'tizz bird, let's get out of here and go back to our tent," and she'd be all in her princess gear like "How dare you talk to me you heathen, I'm a princess and you're but a lowly barbarian, and you could call me Atheniallia of Mordruia, if you were worthy to talketh to me," and I'd sort of be quiet not sure how to process this stuff and she'd come over and be like in a hushed voice "My character wouldn't interact with your character here in Darkon" and then she'd go off with one of the knights in the woods and do whatever, make out or something, so, I don't think I'd be able to go out with a bird that was in to Darkon. But the birds have the big advantage in Darkon cause they got their pick of the nerds there and even the not-so-hot birds are like the Cate Winslet of Darkon.
